October 28, 2011: Seven years have passed from the day I dressed and prepared Finnbear for his final rest. It was a new and frightening experience in a way, but a cathartic one also. I'm glad I did it myself and didn't leave it to the funeral home.

October 23, 2010: Six years now, from the moment I arrived in Finland and found out that Finnbear had passed away three days ago. It was an empty home I returned to. And now, in a few weeks, I'm going to move to another place, a new home. It took six years for me to make that decision.

October 20, 2009: Five years have passed and I still visit Finnbear's grave quite often, although less than a few years back. I have found new love, but I'll always love Finnbear also.

April 23, 2009: Four and a half years have passed and a lot of things have happened. But one thing is for sure: our love is forever.

December 24, 2007: Christmas Eve, the fourth one here. Beautiful candles and a lot of people.

October 20, 2007: Three years have passed and I still visit Finnbear's tomb almost as often as earlier. I may be somewhat more hopeful, however.

October 20, 2006: Two years have passed. I still visit Finnbear's grave quite often and talk to him, and say a few prayers. I have a lot of new friends and I'm thankful to them, but my dear Finnbear is still my only love.

April 13, 2006: I was in the service tonight - twelve passages about the Passion of the Christ from the Gospels. We stood there for over two hours, holding a candle during the passages. It was a memorable service and very touching too.

February 14, 2006: Valentine's Day. We used to send cards to each other: "Happy Valentine's", "Will You be My Valentine?" - it was so wonderful.

December 24, 2005: Christmas Eve - people are bringing candles to graves and the whole cemetery was lighted by them. It's a beautiful habit and there almost was a traffic jam in the parking lot, while the place usually is pretty quiet.

December 23, 2005: My domain was offline for a couple of days, but it was only a technical problem. I've been at home today, cooking, cleaning, and wrapping the christmas presents. I also have a beautiful chistmas tree and it's beginning to look really nice here. But, Finnbear isn't around, and I miss him so much that I just can't put it in words.

October 30, 2005: The funeral was a year ago. It made me think about his last days and his illness: He enjoyed the little joys of life and always had a glass of wine nearby - there still is his coaster by his computer and his recliner. He never was drunk, but constant sipping slowly damaged his internals. So slowly that I couldn't recognize it before he started turning yellow and we had to head to the hospital. At that stage he already was so vulnerable to bleeding that an unfortunate puncture of the abdominal artery by a small injection needle caused a persistent haemorrhage. At first they didn't want to operate, as it might have caused additional bleeding, and just hoped for the best - "the bleeding usually stops by itself". The next morning they had to operate, but by that time he was so weak that the procedure proved to be fatal to him.

I only heard their story afterwards but I have no reason to doubt that they did the best they can. I still am angry at the hospital, however unreasonable it might be. But most of the time I'm angry at myself as I was so stupid as not to recognize his illness in time. And was I even more stupid to travel across the ocean while he was in hospital! I just can't help thinking that had I been there, full of righteous fury, I could have demanded more decisive actions, instead of just hoping and waiting too long. But most important of all, I could have sat by his bedside the whole night and held his hand, strengthening his fading will to stay alive, or at least being there with him, sharing the horrors of the imminent death. Sadly, no amount of anger or self-pity won't bring my FinnBear back to me and I just have to learn to live with it.

October 23, 2005: The service was in Greek today. I only understood a couple of words but it still made a great impression on me. The cemetery in the evening was cold again - after a relatively warm summer and fall. I'll have to learn to dress more warmly again.

October 22, 2005: There was a memorial service for those who passed away during the past year.

October 20, 2005: A year ago, at 12:02 pm he fell into sleep, until the day of the final judgment. Far, far away, in San Diego, I was sleeping like a baby as it was 2:02 am local time. Some people say that they can sense the death of their loved ones from far away. I didn't.

October 18, 2005: October 18, a year ago, I called him in the hospital as I was in San Diego for a business trip. He was a bit tired but hopeful of recovery. "The doctor told that they are going to drain some fluid out of me so that I'll feel better. And it seems that I got off this with a fright as my internals are not so bad after all - there is just some sort of inflammation." I was relieved to hear that and we ended off the call with our usual wishes to each other: "My darling Bear" I said, and he replied: "My darling Bunny". And that was the last time I heard his voice ever again.

August 27, 2005: I visited the grave with good friends of mine, and Finnbear's.

July 16, 2005: There finally is a stone on his grave now. I was on a vacation trip and only saw the stone today. I drove directly from the airport to the cemetery to be there for a while before I had strength to return to this empty home.

June 6, 2005: This is our anniversary day. It was 1998 when he asked me to marry him. I still have his ring hanging on my neck every day, for the rest of my life.

May 28, 2005: There's still no gravestone at Finnbear's grave, but I've ordered one. It'll still take a while until it's ready, though.

Mar 29, 2005: I haven't written here for quite a while but I have visited the grave pretty often. When I was there today, I repeated the joyful message of the Easter in my mind: "Christ is risen from the death, trampling down death by death, and upon those in the tombs bestowing life."

Feb 27, 2005: I was walking towards my car after a family gathering today - it was very cold and dark - and for a second or so I thought how joyful it would be to be hugged by my FinnBear at home. As soon as I was full of warm feelings I suddenly realized the grim truth: there would be no hugs or "I love you's", but just a dark and empty home. It took a long time before I could even start my car and I'm still crying my eyes out. I'm consoling myself with a glass of wine - again - and by listening to FinnBear's selected music collection.

Feb 21, 2005: Four months yesterday, and lots of tears. This is an emotional roller coaster - sometimes I don't even think about it and sometimes I just wallow in my sorrow.

Jan 20, 2005: Three months now, and still bursting into tears without any apparent reason. I'm slowly recovering though, as I don't visit his grave as often as I used to and I'm gradually resigning to the inevitable: I will never be able to feel his touch again. I can see him in a photo, I can hear him on the video tape and I can smell him in his cardigan and his pillow, but there's not going to be a contact with him ever again.

Jan 13, 2005: Yesterday it was warmer and it felt like spring already. I got a feeling that I just might cheer up a little bit as days get longer and nights get shorter. Too bad I still feel so desperately lonely here at home. But I suppose I need some time alone, with my memories and familiar smells, and everything else that's left of my FinnBear.

Jan 9, 2005: It was really windy today at the cemetery, and it was snowing lightly. But I stood by the grave for a long time, just staring at it and praying. For some reason I'm beginning to feel that fewer and fewer people are sharing my sorrow any more and I'll need to learn to deal with my feelings all by myself. Oh well, that was to be expected, but I may not be ready for it just yet.

Jan 3, 2005: There was prayers for the victims of the Asian tsunami at the Greek Orthodox church today. The church was filled with grieving people and some of them had lost their loved ones. This is a great tragedy globally and also here in Finland. I lit two candles: one for the victims and one for my FinnBear.

Jan 2, 2005: New year, new hope? Might be, but one thing is certain: I don't have plans or resolutions for the whole year, maybe not even for tomorrow. I'm reflecting my personal sorrow with the global sorrow because of the Asian tsunami. I understand clearly that tens of thousands of people have lost their lives and even more people have lost their loved ones. It makes me sad and compassionate, but it still is overshadowed by my own loss. It'll still take a long time for me to heal up.

Dec 25, 2004: It's Christmas Day, and I went to church in the morning. The service filled me with the hope of resurrection and eternal life, and I was almost happy for a while. After the service I visited the cemetery and invited my parents at our place. Now I'm stuffed with traditional Finnish Christmas food and I really should take a little walk, maybe I will.

Dec 21, 2004: I saw the complete autopsy report today at the local police station. No surprises there: there was an accident at the hospital, but the underlying cause of the death was his disease. I may have to check some things with the coroner but I don't expect to find out anything new. What's really sad here is that I didn't realize that he was so sick until I discussed with the doctors and read the autopsy report after he had passed away.

Dec 20, 2004: He has been away for two months now. I'm not sure if it was that or something else, but I've been very emotional today. Luckily, I was supported by one of my colleagues at work and it felt really good.

Dec 19, 2004: Christmas time is getting closer. This is the first Christmas alone for me for many many years. We used to visit my parents and other family members at Christmas and then just enjoy the holiday season at home, watching movies, reading books and eating well. It was so relaxing and I felt so secure with my FinnBear. I'm not sure what this Christmas is going to feel like.

Dec 12, 2004: I had a long walk with my mother today and only burst into tears after I realized I was heading home alone - and there wouldn't be FinnBear waiting for me. I agonized a long time for leaving him alone in the hospital while traveling abroad. I didn't realize, at the time, that he was going to die there. He was supposed to be resting there for a couple of weeks and then return home, but as it turned out I made a big mistake.

Dec 7, 2004: Added a photo gallery of the funeral. At first it was comforting for me to flip through old photos of me and my dear FinnBear, but it's getting harder every day. I guess the reality is beginning to strike me after the initial shock.

Dec 5, 2004: I've felt so desolate and sorrowful the whole day even though there was a nice family gathering this evening. My sorrow never asks if it's appropriate for the occasion. I might burst into tears at any time, and feel lonely in the crowd.

Dec 2, 2004: I've been standing by FinnBear's grave quite a lot lately. It's cold and dark but it's beautiful and comforting. I pray a lot and talk to him, or to myself. And, I never ever have to leave him alone again - he is always with me, in my heart.

Nov 30, 2004: I'll be putting up some photos and maybe some stories about FinnBear and me in the near future. The last 40 days have been an absolute nightmare but I'll try to pull myself together and post some of my fondest memories of him.

Oct 30, 2004: The burial service at the Greek Orthodox church in Tampere and at Vatiala cemetery nearby. There are quite a few people, family and friends, attending the service and the memorial reception at our home.

Oct 25, 2004: I see him again at the morgue. He is cold and lifeless, but smiling as affectionately as ever. I kiss him once, kiss him twice, many times, until I was sure - at the time - that I heard his last breath.

Oct 23, 2004: I return to Finland from my business trip to San Diego, US, and, having ordered a beer at a bar at Helsinki airport, I try to call FinnBear on the home number, on the cell phone, on the hospital room I left him last Sunday - no answer. I listen to the voice messages on my cell phone (that doesn't work in the U.S.) and there is this policeman saying: "Could you please call us about the death of your husband...". In seconds, my life is shattered in pieces and I start crying aloud at the bar table. I'm stranded at the Helsinki airport for four hours before my connection to Tampere. I start calling family and friends to keep myself together: "Luka has passed away...".